Friends, followers, fellow bloggers, here is an insight into the real serious person that Adrienne aka Amikan1983, can be. As many of you know, I am pregnant with a wonderful baby boy! I am very excited to be a mother, again. You know that I have a little girl, Olivia, who will be turning the ripe old age of 7 years at the end of August. She's very excited to be a big sister to her new brother, Grayson (yes, that's what we are calling him. Cute, I know). Something that you may not know, Olivia was a big sister when she was 2 years old, as well. I had another little girl, Julia Grace, on May 27th of 2005. She was beautiful with big blue eyes and a full head of golden hair! I absolutely loved her, and was very proud to now have 2 amazing little girls. This happiness was short lived... Julia passed away on Sept. 12th of 2005, she was just over 3 months old. She went to sleep and never awoke. The doctors confirmed she had died from S.I.D.S. I know what you are thinking, "wow, this is serious, did I sign up for this? Man, I wish this blog was about cats or annoying restaurant patrons." Well even the most joking of people have real life issues to deal with. I usually am quick to make a joke, though, to make the situation not seem so heavy. That is just my personality. Okay, back to my story.
The reason I have decided to blog about this serious subject matter today... Occasionally I find things that I have kept of Julia's, and it brings me to a dark place. I often ask myself why I keep these memorabilia if I know that it is only going to bring me down. I never have an answer. I suppose I feel as if I let it go, I'm forgetting her, or letting her go... I'm not quite sure. Anyhow, here I am, and here we are. We are getting ready to move into a new house, and today while packing I found a baby monitor. Some people may think, "great, now you have a monitor for your new baby." Truth of the matter is, I kept this monitor because it was right by my head the entire time Julia slept, and I heard nothing... And then she was gone. I kept it as a reminder, or perhaps something more for me to blame myself... Every time I look at it all I can think is, "you were right by my head, not more than a foot away, and you didn't warn me that anything was wrong. Damn you, you were on, and working, and yet nothing. Silence." Today when I saw this monitor again, I took a long hard look at it, cried, and then decided it was time for it to go. There was nothing that I gained from it being in my home, and yelling at a piece of plastic doesn't do much (it can't argue back). So I threw it away... 5 years later, I threw that "thing" that made me so upset, in the trash. I feel a bit better. There are still items, papers, pictures that I keep that remind me of my beautiful blue eyed, golden haired baby girl, but nothing that brings me to that dark place. I have lost someone that no one should ever lose, my child. But in that, I have grown, and become the person that I am. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my little angel. My daughter, Olivia, doesn't forget her little sister either. And now, pregnant with my boy, Grayson, I am both and excited and fearful... But I know that I have Julia watching over us and keeping us all safe. I love my children, and appreciate the life and loved ones that I have, so much.
